Funny Vows

To my partner in crime and the love of my life: I promise to keep life exciting, to support your wildest dreams, and to always be the one you can count on. I vow to respect you, to laugh with you, and to build a life that is even better than we imagined. You make me a better man.

I promise to make you coffee in the morning, even when you're being cranky. I promise to always pretend I'm listening when you talk about your favorite show.

I promise to be your emergency snack and backup phone charger. I vow to love you when you are hangry, defend your right to five more minutes, and send you memes when life gets too serious. Most of all, I promise that even when I am annoying, I will always be annoyingly on your side.

I promise to love you even when you take the remote control and when you take forever to decide what to eat for dinner. I vow to always admit when I'm wrong (even when I'm not), to defend you against spiders, and to never judge you for your late-night snack choices. You're my favorite human.

I promise to be your professional spider-killer, your jar-opener, and your fellow adventurer. I promise to love you even when you're being a "hangry" version of yourself.

I vow to laugh at your jokes, even the ones that aren't funny. I promise to be the one who knows exactly how you like your steak, and to never judge you for your karaoke choices.

I promise to build a life with you, even if that involves assembling IKEA furniture without looking at the instructions. I vow to admit when I'm lost (eventually), to share the remote control, and to love you even when you're singing the wrong lyrics to our favorite songs.

I promise to love you even when you leave your socks on the floor and your dishes in the sink. I vow to always tell you when there's something in your teeth, to never spoil the ending of a movie, and to laugh at your jokes even when I'm the one who told them to you. You are my favorite teammate for life.

I vow to load the dishwasher correctly, or at least to stop reorganizing it after you've already done it. I promise to admit when I'm "hangry," to share the covers (most of the time), and to laugh at your jokes even when I've heard them three times. I love you for your quirks, and I promise to inflict mine upon you for the rest of our lives.

I promise to never make you watch football if you don't want to, and I promise to always share the remote, except when my show is on.

I vow to keep you fed, because I know that a hungry you is a dangerous you. I promise to always carry snacks, to let you have the last bite of dessert (sometimes), and to never ask "what do you want for dinner?" without having three suggestions ready. I love you, even when you're hangry.

I promise not to watch the next episode without you, even if it ends on a cliffhanger. I vow to pretend I'm interested in your hobbies, to share my fries even when I said I didn't want any, and to love you even when you're hangry. You are my favorite person to annoy for the rest of my life.

I promise to share my life with you, and more importantly, my passwords and my streaming accounts. I vow to never watch the next episode of our show without you, to always defend your honor when you're being 'hangry,' and to love you even when you're quoting TikToks I don't understand.

I promise to pause my game when you ask me a question, and to listen to your stories even when I've heard them before.

I promise to share my pizza, even when I'm really hungry. I promise to watch bad movies with you and pretend to like them.

I promise to share my fries with you, even when I said I wasn't hungry. I vow to always support you, love you, and pretend to like your music, for as long as we both shall live.

I promise to negotiate the remote with grace, to pretend I know where we parked, and to admit when your directions were better than mine. I will make you laugh when the day gets heavy, listen when the joke needs to stop, and love you more faithfully than any show we will ever binge together.

I promise to be your emergency snack runner, your phone charger finder, and your calm voice when the suitcase will not close. I will laugh with you when plans go sideways, apologize when I am wrong, and love you far more faithfully than I love being right.

I promise to kill the spiders, open the tight jars, and reach the high shelves, as long as you promise to keep me warm.

I promise to love you even when we are lost and the GPS isn't working. I vow to let you pick the playlist (sometimes), to share my snacks on road trips, and to forgive you for your terrible driving. I love you more than I love being right, and that is saying a lot.

I promise to stop fighting over the thermostat, or at least to only change it when you aren't looking. I promise to be your professional spider-remover for life.

I promise to be your partner in the zombie apocalypse. I will watch your back, share my supplies, and—if it really comes down to it—I promise not to trip you just to get away faster. In our significantly less dangerous real life, I promise to kill the spiders, open the jars, and always be on your team.